I remember when I was a child that I thought by 40 I would have life figured out. WRONG! The truth is that I'm still learning how to navigate through life. There are some things that I do feel that I have mastered. Marriage is one of them... I think that I am a pretty good wife and we have a fairly successful marriage. This is the result of years of work, but we are now at a place where it works pretty smoothly. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. We get grouchy or sick or tired...but generally we have a partnership that we have honed over the years that brings us both happiness. We both want to be in this relationship and we both want it to work. To be married and happy both people have to try to achieve this goal.
Friendship....parenthood...these are things that I have to work at. These two areas of my life I have not mastered, they both bring me grief, and I work on them all the time.
I'm not going to talk about friendship today...I need more time to think about this. But parenthood, I will address this.
Before I had children I thought I was going to be an amazing mother. It was my life goal and dream. But when I actually got my dream, it was nothing like I expected. Here's the thing...we have zero control over who we get and how they are going to be. I had a baby that cried a lot, rarely slept, wanted to be held all the time - high needs for sure. I remember when a friend of mine had a baby a few months after Cole. When she described her child, it sounded nothing like my experience. This was something that bogged me down for years. Everywhere I went I met mothers who were having a common experience that I clearly was not having. This felt polarizing. To be honest...it still does. My experience has been that people who don't have a special needs child can be insensitive and judgmental. I've even had my fair share of issues with family members who love me and my kids. But sometimes what they don't understand can cause turmoil and hurt feelings. I am happy to say that we are all finally in a place where everyone understands and tries. This means the whole world to me.
I am not a perfect mother. I never will be. Daily I am put to the test and many times I fail. That is just life. I use to beat myself up about this but I have realized that this is useless. So everyday I try the very best I can and when I fail, I apologize and forgive myself and I move forward. Because I am still learning.
You don't have to be a perfect mom! You just have to be your boys' mom, and you are just right for that job. When we were struggling with one of our kids, a good friend who was also our pastor at the time told me that it wasn't my job to "fix" that child; it was just my job to love that child, even when that child didn't seem lovable. I spent a lot of time thinking about what that meant! But it was good counsel. And it's clear that you love your boys!
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